My darling Pam,
I almost titled this letter: being, the essential element of marriage, however, that seemed redundant to me. The root of the word essential is the Latin word esse, meaning to be, thus you understand my dilemma with the duplicity and the need to change the title.
For most of our long marriage my focus has been upon the doing; we live in a performance guided age. I’ve often summed this up with the pejorative question, “what have you done for me lately?”
You might fairly ask by what expertise do I have to opine on the virtues or qualities of a successful marriage? I am not in any way credentialed for such a task. I do have, however, 50 years of experience in a successful marriage, I possess an analytical mind and at least an average ability to communicate, despite how clunky this piece reads. So here goes…
The number one thing I have learned from your disease is the pronoun us. There are undeniably two individuals in this relationship, however, there is also a singular aspect. By that, I mean there are three elements to this marriage relationship: thee, me and we. Essence, in this letter, is the being as it relates to the we pronoun.
While there is no denying that something is going on in your body. At the same time, what happens to one of us affects the whole. Intrinsically I believe we all get that. I suspect that is why we have had so many conversations where you express concern over my need to do tasks that you did heretofore, or the guilt that you fight over your need for care and assistance or finally your concern over my emotional well being from the whole process. All reasonable thoughts I’m sure, in fact I am certain that I would be struggling likewise.
However, cancer in your body impacts our marriage. Much like you carried our children to term in yourbody, but they created our family. Both transcend your body and our marriage.
We have agreed from the outset that Providence has brought us to this experience. We have focused upon the prize as well as the process, which is how we have faced adversity for a very long time.
Cancer has come to our marriage, perhaps the affliction is in your body, as I said, you also carried our children to term in your body, but the burden is ours to carry. Cancer didn’t come to you, it has come to us. It is not your cancer, it is our cancer. It is not your struggle, it is our struggle. Our roles are different and they keep shifting, but so does the grace to meet them.
The process will be borne by us. We collaborate on decisions as well as impact. Where you are weak, I’ve been able to be strong. When I’m in a fog, you’ve had clarity. It is by being that we have kicked this thing, not in doing. We are limited, if not weak in what we can do. But we are strong in who we can be and in what we believe.
That’s not to say we aren’t working, there is plenty of heavy lifting, but this is not performance, that’s what I mean by doing. It has been about presence and substance of being. I don’t know any other way to say it. Word fail me.
Today riding around with the sunlight warming our faces, the top down and the wind whipping by our faces was divine. But so is lying cuddled up together when there isn’t enough energy to walk into the other room.
Helping you walk from room to room is not a burden, it is how I get close to you and it’s how I love you and protect you from falling.
It is not the “what” that we do that matters to me now, it’s the “with whom” that matters most. It is in being, not doing, that I find my peace and joy. It is when I am with you that I know that I am loved.
I love you sweetheart.
Brad