Dearest Pam,
It’s impossible to grow a family, run a business or lead people without having a hard day. Hard days are like baking powder, you can’t taste it, but the outcome is unalterably impacted if omitted. I have survived a lot of hard days to get to this station in life.
Long before the millennial crisis, that period in time when the experts weren’t sure how the computers would or could accommodate the rolling over of the year from 1999 to 2000, our family has heard this fundamental risk management theory: prepare for the worst and hope for better.
I suppose yesterday reminds me that this, my default position, was in play even with your terminal diagnosis, babe.
Sometimes the inevitable befalls us and thus placing in hospice care has been for me. I should have known it was coming, I have prepared for it, albeit only partially prepared.
A good estate attorney, a talented CPA and a dear friend who doubles as my pastor should have had me prepared physically, financially and spiritually and I suppose that I was; however, that, “hope for the best” thing I mentioned earlier, that is what I believe tripped me up.
The emotional cost of signing a do not resuscitate order is something that caused a significant breakdown somewhere between the brain and the heart.
“Your mission, Jim (Mr. Phelps), should you decide to accept it…”
The conditional vs. subjunctive debate over the use of should aside, the risk of marriage is a balance between holding on, how tight to hold versus how loose to hold on and accepting the risks of that decision.
It is, I think, the crux of being a dad, a leader, a husband. There are seasons of danger that we hold on for dear life, determined not to let go. There are also seasons of decision, when the grip is lighter, and both parties choose to hold together or even come back together once the grip is lost, that is the nature of love.
I suppose this is a decision of the latter kind. A decision promulgated on eternal hope, the avoidance of suffering and the hand of Providence, but oh my goodness, it hurts darling. It hurts more than I thought it would, it hurts more than I was prepared for and it hurts more than I was able to bear, but for God’s grace. Once again, I find myself saying, but for the grace of God.
It is precisely that grace that will get you through this life glorifying God; it is also the grace that will get me and our family through it in like fashion.
I love you so very deeply my dear.
Brad