Darling Pam,
When I began this project I had several thoughts in mind:
- I wanted to be intentional in cultivating the emotions associated with your death. Writing these love letters caused me to analyze the process, our relationship and the pain I was feeling from a perspective that wasn’t brain oriented, but heart.
- We both know that I have procrastination proclivities and the discipline of looking at my day and my world through this lens imposed, as it were, little mini-deadlines upon me. Being busy would not be an acceptable excuse.
- God has given me better than average communication abilities and I thought perhaps someone else could give voice to their own pain and grief vicariously through my pen.
- Finally and most importantly aside from our one on one tender and loving communication is the fact that I am memorializing the person whom I love more than any other human being for the three young girls who are right behind you in that line. We took many steps, although we didn’t execute on all of them, to bring this heart wrenching grief in a way that their little souls could comprehend. I want for them an opportunity as adult women as they are about to become wives or mothers or leaders of any sort to have a glimpse into the heart and soul of the woman they call Meme. I don’t that glimpse to be limited to what they saw and remember as a child.
Having restated the goals, here we go…
I’m not sure what I expected from this experience. I guess I had expectations of the end, the first night without you by my side, the first morning alone.
None of these things were anything like I anticipated. Suddenly, so many things are now being seen in my rear view mirror.
You simply faded away, shallow breath followed by shallower breath until there were none. In fact none of us know when your final breath occurred. Your sister arose from her chair, later telling Heath and I that she noticed your chest wasn’t moving. Her stethoscope confirmed your heart was no longer beating. We simply stood silently and drank in the solemness of the moment.
By bedtime last night I was dead-dog tired and falling asleep came just as quickly as normal. 5 AM also came as naturally & snormally and true to my word, I donned my running shoes to begin the journey back into shape.
Barely 24 hours into this new life and in the moment I have but a few observations:
When we decided to make a house, instead of the condo, our primary residence, we looked at all manner of sizes, styles and types of houses. This not-too-big, not-too-small one we chose- suddenly seems awfully large to me.
Throughout the last 24 hours I have thought more than once that the phone ringing in my pocket was probably you checking on my ETA.
Periodically something hits me or reminds me of a quality or trait that I loved in you and a waive of emotion rolls over me. The experience reminds me of the ache within my heart and the feeling of loss. It’s like the pain I’d imagine having my right arm and leg amputated at the same time would bring.
In many ways, having Heath here this week has been my ballast. We have balanced work and the demands of caring for you. You & I have always said that Ben favored me and Heath favored you in how we attack life. His presence has been like a step down adjustment after losing your counsel and guidance.
As the sun is setting and I find myself at the end of the second day I know, as I told Cindy yesterday, I am very much aware of the grace, that Calvin called irresistible, operating on our behalf.
Waves of sadness occasionally overtake waves of worship, like changing seas in the ocean, but my ballast is found in worship. My strength is found in him.
We shall continue putting one foot in front of the other, all the while trusting in his providence.
Love you eternally,
Brad
One Response
You and Pam individually as well as together are amazing examples of Fathers attributes. Love, Grace, Faith, Strength of Character, amazing hospitality, are but a few that come to mind immediately. Also a force to be reckoned with at times! Just sayin… You’re Love and testimony is a Blessing to all who know you thank you for your transparency and devotion. Love you my friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers and lovely Pammy will be memorialized through this.💙