Dearest Pam,
Yesterday (Saturday) was a day where it seemed my ship was drifting in a sea of funk. I can’t describe it exactly, I did manage to get a few things done that needed to be done, other than that- the day was lost until friends showed up and we spent the evening over take out Thai and wine.
As I analyze my grief, I am grateful that I’m not dealing with anger issues. I’m not mad at you or God or any doctors that you are gone. Further, I am actually relieved that the time spent knowing you were terminal gave us the opportunity and tools to say our goodbyes, even this website was beneficial in that regard. So I have no regrets over things that I didn’t say or should have said.
So where does my grief come from? Again, it seems I am daily referencing The Grieving Brain, Dr O’Connor calls it the “here, now & close” dimension. Time, space and relationship all have neurons firing in the same location in the brain, the right inferior parietal lobule (IPL.) She says, “You might think it would make more sense for the brain to consider time in one brain region, space in another and psychological closeness in a third. But apparently it is more efficient for the brain to represent the distance aspects in the same computational region, since they carry a common metric.”
All of this is relevant as our brain tries to find our missing loved one, predict their return or locate their proximity. The author attributes this to evolution. Of course, I attribute it to divine design. My brain, having received an effectual call from my Heavenly Father, uses this common area of my brain to calculate time, space and relationship, first of all to him in worship. Secondarily to you and those I love.
My brain has yet to sync with my intellect. I still hear noises and associate them to you or that you are needing something. There are many triggers that cause a wave of grief to wash over me, until through worship, I can right my ship.
Those same hard wired functions in my brain that keep me watching and looking for him, keep me watching and looking for you.
Today is Sunday and the very same brain functions that had me in a funk yesterday getting my brain to line up with my intellect, knowing you are gone, are going to navigate me towards worship today. Corporate worship with our community of faith. Today, I will still pine for the scent of your cologne, but I shall choose worship as my primary focus. As we always said, our primary goal is to glorify God and enjoy his presence forever.
Today, I choose to worship God, knowing that you are currently and forever enjoying his presence.
I love you,
Brad