Coming Home to St Louis #8

Let me open myself to memories,

to tears and laughter alike,

touching the sorrow in my joy,

and the joy in my sorrow.

Let me not shrink back from the depths of my grief. Let me not hide it from others or from my own heart how much I miss Pam,

for these are the very griefs that will one day be met, filled, reversed, and more than restored, by the unimaginable redemptions worked by the grace of God. Every Moment Holy II p. 295

I was unprepared for the experience I had last evening upon returning to our St Louis home. It followed three days of renewed and vigorous grief, which I can only believe, God, in his Providence, was using to prepare my heart.

Why I expected the sense of loss from our primary home to be the greatest, I suppose was rooted in the belief that we spent the most time there. It was buttressed by my experiences at our beach condo. 

Returning to the condo was mildly grievous compared to our home, the place where Pam died. I suppose this is why I expected sorrow when I entered our St Louis home, but the waves of grief, the burdens of sorrow as I walked around, I saw her stuff, I touched her clothes and I witnessed our life together, it was more than I had dreamed or could have possibly dreaded.

I suppose in many ways Pam was preparing home for her departure. In her always-knowing-manner I am certain she was intent and deliberate in easing the transition for me. To arrive here, where we had been unable to travel for months and see the stark reality that we left this place, expecting to return, well it has me quite undone.

At home we had the perspective of her life waning, breath by slowing breath. It was the backdrop, the reality juxtaposed to our grief. Here there is nothing but the life we lived together. No transition. None of the preparations her prescience could foresee the need for. Here the grief is raw. Here the grief is intense.

At the moment, I’m searching for the laughter and the joy referenced in the beautiful liturgy excerpt above.

There is joy in realizing the love that Pam had for me in preparing our home. I remember her sadness now, that she couldn’t take steps to prepare St Louis. As usual, I am late in coming to the understanding that she could so easily foresee and it makes me love her even more; it makes me miss her even more.

I will find my stability in worship and in his purposes. I will trust in God’s plan and his providence and his love.