Dearest Pam,
Rather than the ubiquitous,as well as debunked, straight line theory known as the 5 Stages of Grief, which by the way, brought no comfort or understanding to me, I have found insights in the Dual Process model by Stroebe & Schut.
These two Dutch psychologists developed their model 25 years ago, which is comprised of two types of stresses encountered during grieving. The first is loss oriented and they have been recognized for a very long time; the painful emotions of the loss of a loved one, the wave of reminders that generate a flood of remorse, the brain triggers that fool us into thinking you are here or returning, despite the intellectual knowledge that you are not. When I describe these to most people they can relate at some level to these experiences of grief.
The brilliance of Dual Process is the restoration oriented stresses. These are the task oriented, practical ways in which I must reorient my life.
Tonight I’m going to a hockey game, last night I had dinner with friends, this week I’ve returned to a more active work schedule. These are the distraction and adaptations that steer me away from the pits of grieving, as I call them.
In the pictorial model of the process, they place two non-touching ovals within a larger oval that they call everyday life experience. What fascinates me is the oscillation they paint between the two types of sensors. These are the transactions that pull me toward one oval or the other.
I liken this oscillation to the trek of a pinball as it makes its way down the playfield of the table. The rapid and erratic path that the steel ball takes during the game is the perfect analogy for my life’s bouncing between these loss sensors.
One minute I’m figuring out the record filing system, when the task is interrupted by the sight of tour handwriting and a wave of grief and emotion disrupts my task, only to find my way back to the task at hand momentarily thereafter.
Sometimes these oscillations are a rapid back and forth, other times they are slower, further apart such that I begin to feel normal. I’m not sure that I am communicating this thought well, but I most certainly am living it, whether I am able to adequately describe them or not.
I would say my intentions are mostly task driven towards the adaptations necessary, but the pull towards the loss stresses are real and palpable.
The question remaining for me is how is this model adapted or modified by my theology? I cannot separate this core lens of my worldview from my experiences.
The firm belief in God’s providence anchors my experience by a belief that God does uphold, direct, dispose and govern all action and things that touch my life, from the greatest to the least, by his wise and holy providence to the praise of the glory of his wisdom, power, justice, goodness and mercy (adapted from WCF 5:1)
In other words, not only do none of these experiences surprise God, he actually governs the circumstances for my good. He is walking this path with me, his presence is equally palpable.
Pam, you died, that was not his original plan, but it is the fallen world in which we live and just like we put bumper rails up on the bowling lane when the kids were little to constrain the path of the ball, God has put up rails to protect and benefit me.
My eyes are to be fixed upon him; my goal to glorify him and my end is to enjoy his presence forever; as I walk out these difficult days, his rod and his staff, they comfort me, even as he restores my soul (from the 23 Psalm)
I love you and your faithfulness has impacted me for good and forever.
Brad