Let my entire worth now be defined
by your adorning love, O Lord.
For in light of my dying, there is nothing else
that can comfort or satisfy or address
these many hurts and longings of my
mortal body, and of my soul.
Every Moment Holy II p70
These are the words of a poet, they were never spoken by my wife, they were, however screamed by her actions and the way that she lived her life as well as by the way that she died. Although unspoken, they were her creed.
Washington Irving, the American author who penned Rip Van Winkle and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow said, “There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”
Normally I think of firsts in life as mostly befalling young people: first kiss, first job, first house or first baby. So many times through the earlier years of life we encounter these “firsts” and often we memorialize them.
In my older age I am learning that there often comes another set of firsts; the firsts that follow the death of a spouse.
There is the first night, the first holiday, the first family celebration etc. I’m not sure how many firsts occur before they cease to be memorable, but for the moment, I will memorialize the experience. I will also embrace the pain and the tears of them.
As the aforementioned authors have stated, there is nothing that can stem the pain and discomfort of my longings other than the adorning love of my Heavenly Father and I will mark the sacredness of these tears. I will mark the overwhelming grief as well as the unspeakable love that produces them.
Adjacent to this piece is a letter to my oldest granddaughter written on the eve before her graduation to middle school. The writing of this piece was tethered to so many emotions. I know firsthand of Pam’s love for this child as well as the desire she would have had to be present in this moment.
Still, I know that in her present felicity, she is not worried about her absence. It is therefore incumbent upon me to be her mouthpiece and to do the bidding that I am certain she would if she were present.
But make no mistake, this first is a painful one. I’ve rewatched her funeral- twice, countless videos & photos and during the past 18 hours and I have relived her final months.
While the tears have been many and the mood has been quite somber, as I sit here finishing this letter I am choosing (I am making an intellectual and volitional choice) to believe and lean into the sacredness of this moment. To look for the power of these tears when I feel so very weak.
In part, I must do this in order to live past my current pain and to be fully present for my granddaughter, as I know that Pam would, if this shoe was on the other foot and had she survived me.
There remains for many of us a new set of firsts. Embrace the process, acknowledge the pain and esteem the tears. There is strength and honor and victory on the other side; I’m certain.
And now, as I have just written to my granddaughter, I leave you to go and find my place of worship.