This morning I pulled out my iPad to jot a 40th birthday letter of encouragement to a friend, the daughter of dear friends. I really can’t tell you why I chose the iPad, I don’t normally write on it. When I opened the app there was piece I wrote 10 years ago and immediately my mind was flooded with memories.
Ten years ago tomorrow my mom died. The piece was titled redemption and in it I was recounting the days which were leading up to Mom’s death. Here is an excerpt describing the Biblical story of Ruth as it related to Pam and my mom.
“Perhaps the most beautiful story of redemption in the Bible came through an unlikely pair of women. A Jewish woman and her non-Jewish daughter-in-law. The story is of course the story of Ruth and Naomi.
At the nadir of Naomi’s existence she felt abandoned by her family and most importantly her God. She instructed her two also-widowed daughters-in-law to return to their families and remarry. One agreed while the other refused and Ruth echoed the now famous words, “Where you go I will go, where you stay, I will stay…”
For the last 4 days my wife has only left my mother’s side for hygiene or to quickly check on my sister Gayle. The little that she sleeps is in a chair along side my mom; she holds her hand throughout the night. If she drifts to sleep, she awakens every hour to oversee the pain medication. She baths her. She strokes her hair. She sings to her and prays for her and touches her.
For four days and counting my wife has come along on this final journey with Mom. She has gone where Mom has gone and stayed where Mom has stayed. She has laid down her life in a way that I am certain would make Ruth proud.
In the Addison Road song, What Do I Know Of Holy the song writer asks the perhaps rhetorical question, “What do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it’s name? What do I know of holy, of the One who angels praise? All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above, what do I know of this love?”
Tonight as I quietly look up from my keyboard at two exhausted women, the two women I love most in this life, I have a better answer; I know this better love of which they sing.”
Well, three months out from Pam’s death and I’m still having fairly regular waves of grief roll in. Today, as I’d normally be thinking of my mother’s passing especially with it being the 10th anniversary, my grief is compounded.
As I reread the letter the pride and joy that I had that day seeing my wife love my mother so well was palpable. Pam always said that she was closer to my mother than she was to her own.
On that day, I would never have believed that she too would be gone this soon. The other thing that occurs to me as I recount so specifically all that Pam did to care for my mom, is the question of my care for her. Did I even come remotely close to caring for Pam as well as she did my mom?
The other night I had a dream. I can’t say with certainty that it was the first dream I’ve had of Pam since she died, but I am quite certain it is the first that wasn’t based upon a memory or an experience we had shared. In the dream we were together in a pool and standing at the edge. I had her in my arms and the only part I remember explicitly was her thanking me for caring for her well until the end. I think I will choose to hold that memory rather than the previous question.
Martin Luther said that you can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. Therefore I’m not going to compare how we each cared for the dying and I’m going to keep my thoughts on that thank you she gave me in the dream.
Perhaps it wasn’t fortuitousness after all, now it’s sounding like providence.
One Response
Brad,
As is generally the case with anything you write, your words are eloquently written and piercing to the heart. My memories of Pam always cause me to do two things, often simultaneously. I smile and I cry. She was indeed an angel to many of us. My memories with you and her will be forever treasured. As we now face a similar situation in our family, your words are hope and healing to the soul. Thank you for being a loyal friend and an excellent representation of our Father’s unending love!!!!